dreamteam

STARTING LINEUP:

CF – Ken Griffey, Jr
1B – Pete Rose (Phillie)
RF – Teddy Ballgame
3B – Michael Jack Schmidt
LF – Barry Bonds (Rookie)
2B – Ryne Sandberg
C – Mike Piazza (Rookie)
SS – Ozzie Smith
P – Steve “Lefty” Carlton

Bullpen/Bench:

Roger Clemens (Rookie)
Greg Maddux
Curt Schilling (Phillie)
Nolan Ryan (Rangers)
Trevor Hoffman

Paul Molitor (Blue Jays
Mark McGwire (Rookie)
Kirby Puckett
Tony Gwynn
Cal Ripken, Jr

Current value of all cards combined < 5 Taco Bell Value Meals

Usually try to venture from Philly to the hometown about once every other week to see the family. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I’m a good son. Or there’s always food and alcohol that needs to be raped and pillaged. But honestly one of the main reasons is my mother is always on a bitch kick to get rid of the very things my brothers and cherished while growing up.

All started when I came home from college and my drum set was sold egregiously on Craigslist with the profits not being shared at all. Some serious Enron type horseshit. Only solace I had was the new owners of the set couldn’t even fathom how many times my testicles had touched those tom-toms. Ever since then I’ve been like a Bald Eagle over her eggs with anything near and dear. Don’t care if I own 30 Nintendo games without an NES to play it on – They all stay. Any award or trophy ever received? Absolutely all keepers. Need to show my kids someday the trophy proving I participated in the 1994 Malvern Halloween Parade. That Ultimate Warrior costume may have been 8th in the books but it was 1st in everyone’s hearts. Can’t wait for the day POGS make their triumphant return. If Bitcoins hold monetary value then my Simpsons and Ninja Turtle POG collection alone will be worth millions. That’s not even mentioning the one of a kind GUTS Metal Slammer in my possession. Pure silver mined from the Aggro Crag. Never again will anything that I grew up with be callously sold without approval. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Well, excuse me for being suspicious when this All-Star squad is out of the closet in plain view for the first time in 10+ years along with various other items of relative non-importance (brother’s old cassette love mix tapes, autographed framed poster from Bloodhound Gang and Michael Jackson trading cards, which for some reason exist in the first place). Ask why this stuff is out and I get a hesitant “Spring Cleaning” excuse.

Bulldick. Don’t have to be Rust Cohle to piece together what’s going on here. If I didn’t come home today the only existence Kirby Puckett has in this household would be boxed and shipped to some bigger idiot who thinks baseball cards may one day hold value. You think Trevor Hoffman rookie cards grow on trees, toots? Sorry. Can’t even trust my own mother anymore. So it looks like this and other items of value such as the N64, Rocky posters and Ghostbusters sheets are coming back to Philly with me. Good thing I don’t plan on getting married in the next 40 years.

PS – Just did a thorough search through the closets/attic and realize all of my important childhood Ghostbusters memorabilia is gone. Figurines, coloring books, replica of the firehouse, Ecto-1. All of it. As well as an 8-hour VHS tape with every single Simpsons Halloween special on it till 1998. Beyond rage is an understatement.