So Big Cat blasphemously pointed out today that Leonardo DiCaprio was wearing cargo shorts and chastised him for it. First reaction was, who gives a shit? Leo is the certified tits. He can don whatever he wants, whenever he wants. The man could go to church wearing only a Snuggie covered in Swatztikas and giraffe cum and will still pull down any ass he wants with zero effort.

But all that got me thinking, is Leo currently the most desirable man to want to be in the world? Gotta be up there, right? The dude’s rich, famous, pulls anything he pleases, can do anything he wants. Granted, he’s 38-years-old which is a little up there to switch places with, but still a lot of prime ahead of him. Jack Nicholson didn’t reach his hey-day in movie star dick slinging status till his 40′s. But who else would qualify to be worthy enough to switch places with right now? Let’s discuss: Only stipulations are the person has to be real and it has to be where they are in life currently. Yeah I would love to switch lives with Vinny Chase or Superman or a 24-year-old Tom Brady or Derek Jeter but, that’s too easy. We’re playing on not only success accomplished already but potential here, people. And keep it to famous celebrities or athletes. Nobody cares about how you want to be a 16-year-old billionaire Saudi Prince who gets hourly rub downs by one of his 89 wives he’s also legally required to beat up.

Could’ve thrown about 1000 out there, but here are the Top 5 Nominees and the Winner:


Pros: Go anywhere. Buy anything. Meet anyone. Fuck everything.

Cons: Is 38. May be burned out from everything as he’s taking a break from acting to concentrate on saving the Earth. However, probably only trying to save the Earth to indirectly save the pussy. What a humanitarian.

LeBron -

Pros: Love him or hate him, the man’s a beast. Probably the most gifted physical athlete in history outside of Secretariat. Plus he’s only 28. Lots of time to be a total dick to everyone yet still win and make potential billions.

Cons: Biggest sports villain of our time. Already has a couple kids to his name. Hair transplant. Mother is a whore.

Johnny Football -

Pros: Is a God amongst men and is still only a freshman in college. Probably the one with the most unknown potential on the list.

Cons: Ugly as sin and seems kind of a douche at times, but then again if you were that talented, respected and liked that young wouldn’t you be? Plus football is risky as one twist of the knee can turn the next guaranteed great thing into Boobie Miles.

Rory Mcilroy –

Pros: 23-years-old. Already established and well liked. Signed $189-trillion contract with NIKE. Plays fucking golf for a living. Chicks dig the foreign accent.

Cons: Looks as if his mother suffered from being fucked once too many times by a drunk Leprechaun. Plus you can see the outer linings of a double-chin. Thing may be tripled by age 33.

Mike Trout -

Pros: Chose him over Bryce Harper solely because he seems more like a guy’s guy who would actually drink, have fun and not get a douchdick mohawk. Plus he plays in LA and his talent blows Harper’s out of the stratosphere.

Cons: Not many. Barring major injury, baseball is a surefire sport where the 19-year-old could play for 20 years and make hundreds of millions. Neck makes him look like a sauced-out pig but that comes with the territory of probably saucing like a pig.

THE VICTOR: Justin Timberlake

I’ll be the first to admit I’m not a Timberlake fan at all. Think his acting is OK, music is overrated as all hell and he kind of looks like a squirrel whose nuts have been cracked one too many times, but dammit if I don’t respect the fuck out of the man.

On the wrong side of 30 at 31, but still, the man has everything at his fingertips. Has already infiltrated the trifecta of industries: Music, movies, and pussy. Dude can do a concert in front of 40,000 before going to an award show the next day and host it while in turn receiving an acting award before slaying everything in front of and backstage he chooses. Plus he goes home to the ass from outerspace owned by Jessica Biel. Oh, he’s married so he shouldn’t be number 1? Fuck that. He’s a celebrity. The standards of monogamy need not apply. Timberlake can do whatever he wants, with who he wants, when he wants.

Honorable Mentions:

Ryan Gosling: Hottest thing out there right now. Almost too hot. Disaster awaits around the corner whether it’s an accident or a coming out party.
Colin Kaepernick: Being the star playing in the Super Bowl at just age 25 is pretty boss, even if you do look like the Mini-Pedro Martinez.
Kevin Durant – Good guy superstar. Too good not to mention, but not good enough to be realistic.
Channing Tatum: Young, attractive, moviestar, can’t act worth shit.
Anybody under 25 in the NHL: Guys just seem to have the best damn time living life out of anyone. Get hammered and slay puck sluts. Is there a better life?