So I’m at my buddy’s over the weekend with a couple other people and he decides to go the bathroom. No harm, no foul. However, we had an Along Came Polly situation where the bathroom was very close to the communal area, so we could clearly hear that a battle amongst men was going on behind enemy lines and many lives were being lost. He double flushes, which is scientific fact of what went down in there was equivalent to what went down in Hiroshima, and leaves the bathroom without washing his hands. He then proclaims proudly to all, “I just shit out a Mexican Midget.”

Impressive. But after he stuck his paws in the pretzel bag and made a play for the remote I had to at least ask him if he washed his hands. Or at least, you know, put in the fake effort for humanity. I get the stern response: “What do you think I shit on my hands? Clean wipe, bro.”

What? What the fuck does that mean, “clean wipe, bro?” You were in the vicinity of shit. This isn’t the Dark Ages. We know stuff like invisible germs, parasites and bacteria exist. Half of the time after I take a shit I wipe like two or three times and go, “Fuck it, I’m taking a shower.” You not seeing physical feces on your hands after you wipe and believing you’re clean is like seeing Ke$ha with clothes on and believing she’s STD free. Bad voodoo all around.

And all of this is before he told me that he underwiped about a dozen times to get “clean”. That makes it 100x worse. First off, I respect the underwipe, but it’s not for everyone, and it’s especially not the cleanliest or most efficient way to go about business. You’re holding your balls with one hand and just spreading shit from sea to shining sea. Side wipe all day everyday. Unless of course a bidet is available, then you’ve got it made in the shade. Bidets legitimately may be the only thing Europe is doing right.

And washing your hands only goes for shits. If you don’t pull a Michael J. Fox at the urinal and piss all over yourself then you don’t have to wash after touching your dick. God knows if men had to wash their hands every time they’ve adjusted their cock and balls on a regular basis in the office every man’s hands would look like Rupert Murdoch’s from the water. Prune city.

Am I wrong?

Vote 1 for Never Wash Because For Some Reason I Believe It Builds Up Resistance and 10 For Power Wash Those Bitches Even When I Don’t Wipe

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