In honor of Captain Claude Giroux being named the 19th Captain in Flyers history, today we will examine the careers of 5 of the greatest Captains ever. We’re gonna get inside the mind of these great leaders to see what makes them the legends that they are, and what it takes to be a champion.
Born from the power of Magical Earth Rings in the late 80′s, Captain Albert W. Planet could wield all the natural elements of Earth, including heart, which would prove to be the most important element of all. He attended Morris Brown College where he earned his degree in Geological Fashion. He started his career as a motivational stripper at Habitat for Homo-Humanity projects. He served in Operation Desert Storm, and picked up all the shell casings and was elected Captain of the Earth. Pollution started getting out of control, so Captain Planet invented recycling and taught us all how to clean ducks in the event of an oil spill. It’s all about passion with this guy. He wasn’t trying to take pollution down to 3… he was gonna take pollution down to ZERO. But then he got ran over by an Escalade.
Derek Jeter is to baseball as Sarah Lee is to baking. Nobody doesn’t like him. And that’s hard to do when you play for the Evil Empire. He single handedly won 29 World Series Championships for the Yankees all by himself. What makes him a truly great captain has to be his consistency. He’s had the same swing, same numbers, same glove, same underwear, and same haircut for 20 years. He even gives the same gift basket to all the vag he’s slain over the years, which is the bossest of all boss moves. That’s what a captain does.
Defined for his ability to fuck up the roof of your mouth and keep you coming back for more, Cpt. Dr. Reginald Ulysses F. Crunch III was a pioneer who conquered the seven seas and discovered the Crunch Berry bush off the coast of Papua New Guinnea and thus changed the course of history forever. Under direct orders of General Mills, Captain Crunch spent the 1960s experimenting with different types of top secret crunch forces, resulting in multiple concussions. He was placed on a boat with a dog and some kids. He’s a weird fucking guy but he accomplished his mission. While eating his namesake cereal, you are forced to turn your TV volume up to 11 because the crunching makes your shows, and thoughts inaudible.
Captain Stephen Gregory Yzerman aka “Stevie Y” aka ” The Captain” aka “Steve” aka “Stevie Blades” aka ” The Ticallian Stallion” was the Captain of Hockey Town for nearly 20 years. You have to look the part of a leader, and Yzerman did. It’s mostly about a square jaw, a side part, a few well placed scars, and serious brow. If Sam Cassell had Jordan’s career, he’d be the 39th best player because he’s too fucking ugly to be number 1. It’s important for your captain to always be able to steal your girl if he wants, and for you to not even be mad about it. You can’t mess with Leader Face. Plus he played his entire career for the same team, won cups, and put up ridiculous stats.
Steve Rogers, the scrawny kid from New York that became a super soldier and won World War II for America is arguably the best Captain of all time. He can bench 1200 lbs and run a mile in 73 seconds. What’s awesome about Captain A is that when the war was over, he didn’t settle down with a wife and kids and become the manager of a gas station like other soldiers, no, he said freeze my ass until another war happens. I’ll just chill here until America needs me again. He has battled nazis, neo-nazis, anarchists, fascism, and communism for the sake of capitalism and freedom. He’s died more times than Tupac, but keeps coming back to lead the Avengers against all types of crazy bullshit. He is currently battling Obama-care, gay marriage, and abortion. America. Fuck Yeah.
So there you have it. There are certainly more greats out there deserving of recognition i.e, Kirk, Solo, Urlacher, Morgan, Squash, Insano, Morpheus, and Tom Hanks, but no one can argue that these the shining beacons of captainial greatness. Young Captain Claude Giroux has the potential to be among these elite leaders in a few decades and it all starts Saturday against the Penguins. Hail to the Captain.
LET’S GO FLYERS!