AUSTRALIAThe reptile sunk its fangs into Jackson Scott’s testicle as he squatted in the dark. But when he begged best mate Roddy Andrews to suck the venom out, his pal REFUSED. Instead he drove Jackson on a 40-minute life-or-death dash to Hobart, Tasmania, where doctors gave him an antidote to the deadly tiger snake poison. Jackson, starting a year’s working holiday at the remote farm, added: “The doctors and nurses were very professional. They didn’t take the mickey out of me being bitten on my wedding tackle.”

No matter how shitty your day is, at least you can take solace in the fact that you don’t have to worry about a) having snake fangs penetrate your nut and b) having to make a decision to put some sweaty sac in your mouth to save a life. Cheers me up. But how much of a dick is the best friend here, huh? Nah bro, I can give you a ride to the doc but that’s about it. I’d rather you die than me be humiliated for 30 seconds. Like I’m as heterosexual as they come, but I’d take a teabagging for the team. As I hope my best friend would do for me, too. I mean this isn’t a dare or a Fear Factor stunt, it’s a life or death situation for the man who just got his balls Mike Tyson’d by a fucking Aussie Tiger Snake. That’s as traumatizing as it gets. Suck it up and suck his balls. Not like you’re giving him a couple of strokes and taking a load to the face. This is as business as business gets. Get in, get out, call it a day.

PS – What I would give to talk like a British/Austrailian person – They didn’t take the mickey out of me being bitten on my wedding tackle. I don’t know what it means but I know it’s gold.