I’ll get to the actual baseball side of things a little bit later today, but this just couldn’t wait.

For those of you hoping for a whiff of something positive to emanate from the steaming pile of shit that is the 2012 Philadelphia Phillies, well, keep holding your fucking breath. Here’s a story that’s sure to warm your aching heart.

Standard situation here. On June 6, local little leaguers are invited for a night out at Citizens Bank Park. You might remember that series–it was the one where the Phillies got bent over in a four-game sweep by the visiting Dodgers. Anyway, kids get some ice cream, some autographs, and a few memories with players from their favorite team.

Easy enough. Not even the Phillies could screw this up, right?

To the Press of Atlantic City sports pages we go:

“But when the Phillies walked out on the field, only Juan Pierre managed to give the kids a thumbs up. Not one other Phillie waved, gave the kids a high five, or even smiled in their direction. They kept their heads down.”

Are you fucking serious?

A bunch of kids got stiffed by that night’s starting lineup which included the likes of Jimmy Rollins, Hunter Pence, Carlos Ruiz, Shane Victorino, Ty Wigginton, John Mayberry Jr., and Kyle Kendrick?

Although in the defense of Kendrick, what kind of kid would want to meet him?

“Daddy, daddy, Kyle Kendrick slapped my hand. Maybe one day I can be 2-6 with a 5.08 ERA and detested by every sports fan in an entire major American city.” If I was the dad I would have either lit the kid’s hand on fire or dunked it in a bucket of Clorox.

But wait, here’s my favorite line from the article.

“Thank God they were playing the Dodgers, who signed autographs and gave the kids high fives.”

So let’s get this straight, the visiting team goes out and kills with it kids while the home nine sulk to their positions prior to the first pitch. That’s rich.

But I’m not here to simply point fingers. I’m a problem-solver, a real idea guy, so here’s a bit of free public relations advice for my favorite baseball team.

Maybe the Phillies can invite the little tikes back later this season by way of some free tickets and try this whole thing over again. Certainly, they won’t be distracted by a playoff chase and plenty of seating figures to be available. Unless, of course, the people can’t get enough of watching B.J. Rosenberg, Mike Fontenot, and a roster full of overpaid, underachieving, and injured baseball players slog their way through a lost season.

Assholes.