I’ve got a shit load of free time now that the Flyers aren’t on anymore. Hockey is my main form of entertainment for 3/4 of the year, so I got a lot of blank space in my head right now that I’ve decided to fill it up with other fun stuff. I held out hope that things were gonna work out, but after they cancelled the Winter Classic I was like fuck this noise. I’m not gonna waste 75% of my brain wishing away about shit. So if your going through withdrawal like me, here’s 10 things to do during the lockout.
1. Make better sandwiches
I’ve been using my downtime to make different types of sandwiches. Most of the time, I’d be thinking about the effects of hot weather rinks on pucks while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Now, my mind is blank during peanut butter jelly time, and I’ve been using my new found brain space to make awesome lunches. Fuckin wit different jellies and shit. Chunky and Peach on some toasted Stroehmanns. Forget about it.
2. Watch whatever the fuck my girlfriend wants to watch/ Quality time
If your like me your putting in a lot of community service time on the television. I don’t have shows that I watch, I watch the Flyers. So when the Flyers are on, I get the TV and the couch all to myself. She knows the rule, that I can and will win the remote with one sentence, “Flyers are on.” It’s like a fuckin Harry Potter spell. But now that one thing is gone. And now I don’t have that option. Now I gotta watch property brothers. But it’s okay, I’m building up a lot of points. I’m saving up. And you know what, next time I want a blowjob and some orange juice for breakfast I’m gonna get it.
I’ve always watched basketball, but never with as much fervor as I do now. Bought 2k13 and got a fantasy basketball team and everything. Only problem is I don’t have anybody to talk to about the NBA. I had to go get a southside fade at Extravagenz just so I could discus OJ Mayo’s scoring proclivity over the last two weeks.
4. Make fart noises with my mouth
No justification needed on this one. Just hours of classic fun. I’m told that in Antiquity, mouth fart competitions were once the highest levels of competition known to man. It was how people amused themselves way back in ancient Sumerian times, because they couldn’t play hockey in the dessert, obviously.
5. Grow a Mustache
I grow a mustache every Movember anyway, but this is my first handlebar mustache. I’ll be honest, It’s struggling. I look like a Mexican Karate expert. As I finger comb my flavor savor I start thinking about how cool Giroux’s big black mustache would look this year out on the ice…. and I get sad all over again.
6. Develop lower back pain
I don’t know if this could be considered a hobby or not, but its just something that I’ve been doing recently. I’ve been competing against construction dudes and old men for the “who’s got the worst pains championship.” If you can get your spine to compress your sciatic nerve, thats like a million points. So it’s looking pretty good.
7. Write stupid rap lyrics
Hello Barstool, Myspace, Youtube, Dumb shit. This latest verse is entitled “The biggest dick you ever seen”
It’s the biggest dick you ever seen
I fuck you till I hit your spleen
with my peen
I try to piss
but my big fuckin boner made me miss
got cold water, you should boil it
and sanitize everything I touched
the nice towel that I used to wipe my nut up
and your butt
with my dick fat
don’t forget that
I left some splash in the dimples on your lower back
and a sperm spackled ass crack
Cause its the biggest dick you ever seen.
8. Erotic coloring books
Sometimes you just want to color. That shit is relaxing. Anytime I’m forced to be around some kid for a while, I’ll either try and have a catch with it, or go for the crayons. Go get those coloring books. Its not fair that kids are the only ones that get to color all the time. Then I realized, I don’t want to color in a kitten, I want to color in a pussy. So I created Erotic Coloring books.
9. Home-made soap
Bought all this crazy soap at the Pumpkin Festival from some old black hippie last month. I bought this one kinda soap, its known more commonly as black soap-its like the oldest form of soap known to man. So I’m all like, ” The first soap was made from the ashes of heroes. Like the first monkeys shot into space.” And he was like, “This ones got juniper in it.” All my skin peeled off and I grew new skin, can’t tell if im allergic to it, or if its working.
10. Top Secret spy missions
While at Harvard I did my graduate work in advanced mathematics and invented game theory. Now years later, Ed Harris shows up in my shed and tells me that if I can unlock the cryptic messages in the CBA agreement, then Gary Bettman will release all the hockey players and the Cold War/ Lockout will be over. Geoffrey Chaucer is my best friend, my marriage is in shambles, and I almost let my baby drown in the tub. But hockey needs me! Years later I will be diagnosed with schizophrenia, but also win the Noble prize for math.
I hope you can enjoy some of these activities as much as I have. We’re all in this together. Some of this shit is so much fun that I don’t even know if I’ll even have enough time to watch hockey anymore once it comes back. We’ll just have to wait and see. But for now, I gotta go color with Ed Harris in the shed and eat sandwiches.