Roy Halladay made his much anticipated return to mound last night after missing nearly seven weeks. Obviously, it was both sexual and violent, as the above painting suggests. To say the Phillies missed his presence during that time frame would be an understatement as their 15-27 record would indicate. Despite being overshadowed by another mesmerizing display of the Phillies’ absolutely amazing inability to come from behind to win a game the Phillies’ late-inning comeback, Halladay’s performance was mostly encouraging. His overall velocity hovered around where it was pre-injury, but he was effective over five innings of work. His lone trouble of the night came in the second inning when he allowed four straight hits which scored the Dodgers’ only two runs. He allowed only one other hit, struck out six, and walked none. Pretty damn good.

But I’ll be honest. This game looked like a loss. Another one of those jam a sharp object into my dickhole type of losses. So here’s what I had at 12:33 when it looked like they had wasted another golden opportunity.

But you know what the problem was with that little three-game winning streak the Phillies had going on? That it was followed by the sobering reality that this team still fucking sucks. Even when good things happen and you begin to open your mouth to even think about saying something positive or smile, they instantaneously blast a fiery shit into your mouth. Chase Utley is back! Lose 11 of 12. Ryan Howard is back! Lose four in a row. Roy Halladay is back! Become woefully inept as your lineup weakly flails at horseshit breaking pitches from some Vance Worley wannabe named Stephen Fife that couldn’t throw a fastball through a pane of glass, or throw it for a strike. There’s a reason Fife came into the game with a 4.53 ERA while pitching for the Albuquerque Isotopes this season. Because he fucking sucks. Yet, he somehow managed to dazzle a lineup of veteran hitters for six innings on the way to becoming the first pitcher from the University of Utah to win a Major League game in 39 years. So at least there’s that.

But then that whole Pence/bullpen thing happened. So let’s try a rewrite.

Want to know what’s even better? That the Phillies overcame an eighth inning deficit for the first time in 39 games when Hunter Pence came up with a clutch two-run single that helped the Phillies to their fourth consecutive win, a win that was by far their best of the season. When a team is chasing the entire fucking league, that’s the type of game it has to have. And they got it. They now go for the sweep this afternoon as they send he of one win and a $21.5 million dollar salary to the mound against reigning Cy Young Award winner Clayton Kershaw. Titties.