ENGLAND – Derek Edwards, 69, was banned from four red light zones after repeatedly being caught with known prostitutes. Bristol Magistrates’ Court heard on Wednesday that Edwards paid a total of £65 to three different prostitutes, and was initially caught red-handed lying on his back in a park with one performing a sex act upon him. After being given a stern telling-off by cops, he was released – only to be caught just ninety minutes later paying another prostitute. Following his second talking-to from police, he was spotted on CCTV at a train station with yet another prostitute, who he later admitted performed a sex act on him in the public toilets. Prosecuting, Jeremy Oliver said: “I don’t think I have ever seen such a degree of persistence in my time.”

Get it, old man! I’ll tell you what, Derek Edwards has put in his time to society. If he wants to triple his risk for Hepatitis-C in one night, who has the right to stop him. That’s why the cops just let him go with a warning the first two times. They know you don’t fuck with stubborn old men. They’re just gonna do what they want anyways. The second we took away my grandfather’s keys because he was legally blind as a bat the crazy old bastard just hotwired his Oldsmobile. Caught him 20 min later after crashing into 6 cars in the Wegman’s parking lot because he said he “needed a haircut,” whatever the fuck that means. But you know what, good for him, he wanted to take the car out and he succeeded. Doesn’t matter if they want to drive while blind, continue to use the term “Chinaman” or get blumpkins from hookers in a train station bathroom, old people are going to do whatever the they want with no regard to society or their waistline.

PS – While doing critical research on the subject, I have learned and should share my findings about the elusive Equestrian Blumpkin and seldom perfected The Curious Case of Benjamin Blumpkin. Both should be known by all and attempted by none.