Time to take the saga for true love to WomenBehindBars.com.
So many ways to truly get inside each others soul. Honest, heartfelt hand written letters. Conjugal visits. Fugitive sex, Jerry! Fugitive Sex! My only issue here is I would like to know why they’re locked up before attaching 4$ (there’s seriously a fee for writing these felony felines) onto Cupid’s Arrow and firing it wildly into the nearest cellblock. Like if I’m getting involved with someone from PositiveSingles.com I’d like a heads up if I’m dealing with some curable Clap or full blown AIDS. Same deal here. Need to be worried about getting drugged, robbed or stabbed once they hit parole and I break their heart.
Plus maybe getting to know life behind bars will convince me to take a stab at robbing a bank. Might be a win-win whether I succeed or fail. 3 square meals a day with a roof over your head? Not too shabby. Always wanted to take a shot playing in the California Penal League.
Now onto the Prison Prospects:
WOMAN IN THE ROUGH
Notable Prison Statistics:
MEASUREMENTS: 5’3, 120
EARLIEST RELEASE DATE: 2/2020
SMITTY’S FELONY PREDICTION: Meth ahoy!
PROS: BOOM! Convict kitty coming in hot! This maximum security minx is a certified 8+ on the inside and in Cleveland depending on how needle marks she currently sports.
CONS: If there’s not some drug dealing gang banger and/or pimp daddy meatstick waiting to defend her honor on the outside then I’m officially Rich Uncle Pennybags.
MILK CHOCOLATE DELIGHT
Notable Prison Statistics:
EARLIEST RELEASE DATE: 2/2024
SMITTY’S FELONY PREDICTION: Florida, so only her and God truly know.
PROS: Everyone loves Milk Chocolate.
CONS: Strong suspicion she goes into Dark Chocolate mode when pissed off. Wouldn’t want to be around this baby mama when knives are within arms reach. Plus if you’re getting 10+ years in the state of Florida where I’m fairly sure it’s legal to get bath salted up and crossbow your neighbor in the face as long as you’re on your own property, this broad must have choked out the governor.
LOOKING FOR THAT SPECIAL ONE!
MEASUREMENTS: 5’7, 135
EARLIEST RELEASE DATE: Life
SMITTY’S FELONY PREDICTION: We’ve got a murderer! 1st degree, too. Bitch definitely capped at least 3 people to the grave.
PROS: Love the killer instinct.
CONS: Not too sure if there’s room for me to join this Latina’s immediate family of 45 in the RV. That’s down from 60 as 15 of them are residing somewhere
FUN, FEARLESS ANIMAL LOVER
MEASUREMENTS: 5’11, 150
EARLIEST RELEASE DATE: 2/2038
SMITTY’S FELONY PREDICTION: 2nd Degree Murder of some sort. You can’t see her face but those are arson eyes if I’ve ever seen them. Firestarter 2.0.
PROS: Mid-Western animal lover AND a tall drink of water? Seems like the type of gal I can take home to Mom, assuming my mother is still alive in 2038.
CONS: Seems like a nice girl which means she’s easily a bitch behind bars. Don’t know if I can handle a vagina that has already been forced by fellow convicts to hold more drugs than a tractor trailer crossing the Rio Grande.
TRY ME ON FOR SIZE
MEASUREMENTS: 5’10, 200
EARLIEST RELEASE DATE: 5/2017
SMITTY’S FELONY PREDICTION: Beat the shit out of fellow stripper. Twice. Most likely with Stilettos.
PROS: 200 pounds? And from Texas? Means she likes good food and she’s probably learned a good deal of mean microwave cookery in the clink. If she can’t cook worth shit, I bet she can whip up the best batch of Pruno cigarettes and sexual favors can buy.
CONS: This wildebeest could easily sit on me and cut me at will. Plus 2017? Too close for comfort. Need at least a solid 10 years of getting to know you talking through a wire glass window and a minimum of 100 conjugal visits before making any sort of long term commitment on the outside.
So many convicts, so little time. Who am I taking a stab at writing first? Has to be soon before these birds find out they aren’t meant to be caged, their feathers are far too bright. Either that or they get shanked to death by some butch dyke after for not peeing while standing up.
Also, I’m being hit up a lot asking why I’m not doing Dating Site blogs every day like I’m pulling these things out of a fucking hat on cue. Trust me, I’m signed up for about 50+ weird sites right now waiting on hits. Slinging pasta and working other shit to enjoy the finer things in life like pay rent and eat means I don’t have the time to be proactive hours on end reaching out to random people other than those who contact me first. So be patient, they will come. And the amount of spam mail I get from Black People Meet on a daily basis is borderline unconstitutional.
Here are the previous Smitty’s Saga For Love blogs to keep you occupied.