DM – Choosing a Valentine’s Day gift is always a fraught affair – but it looks like it might just be about to get easier. While most men could be forgiven for assuming that their other halves want to be spoilt with jewellery come Thursday, a new survey has revealed that all women really want for Valentine’s Day is a hug. Given the choice, almost nine in ten women would choose a thoughtful, romantic gesture over a luxury gift of diamonds.

Well hardy-har-har. Isn’t this is just the most swell and believable news ever? Looks like you can return the $300 diamond earrings and the roses that were marked up 450% because your one-way ticket to blowjob city resides on a haiku and a hug. If this isn’t the biggest crock of horseshit in the history of mankind then I don’t know what is.

There are three certainties in life: Death, taxes and all broads in relationships are greedy. If you’re in a relationship and give a gift on Valentines Day that costs no money you will be either dumped on the spot or your cock will be forced into early retirement. Just pack up your bags or take off the condom and hang it from the rafters. No way in hell that would ever fly for this made up holiday of one-day love. Even when you do get them something very worthy like a nice dinner and some decent jewelry they’ll still be a debbie downer once they find out their slut friend who is being slayed by some Wall Street dick was taken to the Four Seasons and got Tiffany’s. Never good enough. The only women that would be satisfied with a thoughtful, romantic gesture instead of something expensive are those who are either lonely as shit or are fat as fuck and would settle for anything, including some Milkbones dipped in syrup.

Sad part is I can 100% see 9/10 women saying they would not only be fine with, but rather choose something simple and meaningful over monetary items. Why? Because most women try to make themselves look all righteous and moral cause they for some reason care about what others think of them constantly, even in an anonymous survey. Because there’s no way in fuck that .00001/10 women believe what they’re saying let alone 90% of them. Sly cunts they are. All of them.