(Forewarned: Long post)

Get your office Oscar pools out you degenerates, Hollywood’s biggest night returns on Sunday. The only thing worse than having society worship an evening that features millionaire celebrities blowing each other just because they can is watching those same celebrities blow themselves while accepting an award. Granted, it’s the pinnacle moment of one’s career and many are so overwhelmed by the moment that blah blah blah. Bull dick. 99% of Oscar speeches are trite and are the same shit over and over again that nobody wants to hear. We get it, you thankful. The least you can do is leave some heartfelt, humble impression on the billion people watching so they can take something away from your speech other than thinking, “Your life is something I will never even sniff the taint of, I might as well put a bullet in my mouth right now.”

*Only person who has the right to say whatever he wants for as long as he wants on stage is Daniel Day Lewis. Dude lived in the woods for almost a year before Last of the Mohicans and stayed in a wheelchair slouched over for months breaking ribs in the process for My Left Foot. Batshit fucker would’ve legitimately traveled back in time and taken a bullet as Lincoln if he could’ve. He can have all the time he needs when he wins on Sunday.

Here are the worst of the worst:

Roberto Benigni – Best Foreign Language Film for Life Is Beautiful, 1999

The epitome of the Oscar douchebag. Hey asshole, take a slice of humble pie back to Italy with that ugly mug. You won Best Foreign Language film. You beat out a couple of French pornos and a 8 minute movie made in Africa that was shot with a potato because that’s all they could afford. Take down Best Picture overall then you can climb over seats and act like your dick swings bigger than Denzel’s and Jack’s.

What makes it worse is that Benigni won again for Best Actor and everyone had to put up with his squirrell act again.

Because the best thing to do when you don’t know English is try to half ass Mario and Luigi it even longer in front of hundreds of millions. Edward Norton, who should’ve won Best Actor, should’ve reprized his racist role and performed a mid-speech curbstomp for the good of the nation.

James Cameron – Best Director for Titanic, 1998

Ugh. Wasn’t awful till the end but, good God. Movie is already the most overrated piece of trash in cinema history and that last line of verbal herpes just made me automatically hate Cameron no matter what picture he is involved in. Avatar sucked, too. Deal with it.

Halle Berry – Monster’s Ball, 2001

Granted, anybody that pretends to be pleasured that much by a naked Billy Bob Thorton deserves an Oscar, but c’mon toots. Get a fucking grip. Yeah, you’re the first African-American woman to win Best Actress. Very nice. But you act for a living. Act like you’ve been there before. No wonder she hasn’t been back. At least she didn’t leave anyone out. You thanked your lawyer? Twice? Fuck you Halle.

Nicholas Cage – Leaving Las Vegas, 1995

Is this the worst or best speech in Academy Awards history? Seriously I can’t tell. What the fuck is he rambling on about? Nicholas Cage seems like he’s acting a character of himself accepting an award. Put it in the worst category cause Elizabeth Shue tried to get a standing O going but failed. Can’t come back from that embarrassment.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Shakespeare In Love, 1998

Awkward moment when the person getting the award for best actress needs to learn how to act. Fucking chicks, man. Control yourself. Pretty sure the more people you thank the more it takes away from the actual meaning of the gesture. Time to actually put your head in a box.

PS – Amount of puss Jack pulls every Oscar night? O/U is the amount you would see in 40 lifetimes.

The Most Tolerable:

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck – Good Will Hunting, 1998

Could’ve easily have been shoved in the worst category, but whatever. I’d be excited as fuck too if I were in my mid-20′s and knew I had Hollywood by the balls for the next half decade no matter what good (Matt Damon) or bad (Ben Affleck) projects I take on. Plus bringing their mother’s as dates? Brilliant puss pulling move. Thinking well ahead of the game even in their youth.

Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova for Best Song – Once, 2008

Fist off, if you want a go to, great unknown flick that’s awesome and will guaranteed to get you laid, it’s Once. The movie is more of the certified tits than Marketa’s in that dress and there’s not a woman out there that don’t love it. But this is probably the most humbling of speeches in Oscar history. They aren’t millionaires, they’re dreamers who are grateful they finally made it. Great speech, better people.

Jack Palance – City Slickers, 1991

Classic old man speech. Everything here screams elderly awesomeness. Incoherent ramblings. Cursing. Trying to prove you can do pushups like you used to before you do two and a half and you realize you shit your pants. The avoidance of wanting to touch the black woman to accept the award. Everything you want and need in a speech done by a man over the age of 80.

Marlon Brando – The Godfather, 1972

You want to talk about a power move? How about being the greatest actor on Earth winning the award for the most iconic character of all-time in one of the best movies ever during the biggest night in show business of the year and not only not show up to the event, but have a random broad named Sacheen Littlefeather dressed as a Indian to accept the award to babble on about Native American rights. She wasn’t even Native American. Brando apparently gave her a 15-page speech to read but Littlefeather pussed out and only went on for about 60 seconds. Couldn’t have been more of a fuck you to Hollywood unless Brando himself got up there, dropped his pants and used his dick to reenact where Sonny gets shot at the toll booth.

PS – Would have loved to Sacheen her Littlefeather back in ’72.

Joe Pesci – Goodfellas, 1990

No bullshit. No drama. Get up there, say thanks, move along to go home and get your fucking shinebox. Would it have been great if he would’ve slugged that Irish hog with the Oscar? Of course. But perfect speech nonetheless.

BONUS: No Oscar speech will ever amount to the greatest speech ever to be given at an awards ceremony: Jimmy V. The 11:15 rivals I Have A Dream and this political genius for whatever genre he wants to talk about for best speech of all-time in any setting.