YOUTUBE – This is at the cafe inside the Memphis Zoo. The manager of the cafe told me that the alpha male monkey noticed me the second I walked in the door and started going crazy, because, as the alpha male, he feels threatened by tall males. So she told me to go stand by the window and turn my back on him and that he would “attack” me…

9 million dollars. That would be the pricetag for my 6’3 ass frame to stand for 2 minutes inside the Alpha Monkey’s domicile. Just figure that’s the amount that would be worth a face transplant, hardcore rabies, and castration via monkey fangs. Like before I saw this I just assumed Rafiki was just going to throw some feces and laugh it off or spit in some faces Kramer style. Holy hell was I wrong. If that bullet proof glass wasn’t there that asshole and his whole family would be dead and eaten in a matter of seconds. The place would’ve ended up looking like a scene from Planet of the Apes meets American Psycho.

The Alpha Male doesn’t fuck around cause he knows he has the sweetest life in the world he needs to defend. I snapped this photo at the Philly Zoo a couple months back of the description of Jabari, the resident Alpha Male Silverback, because I was so impressed with his style:

JABARI, the silverback male, was born Februraty 5, 1985 in Chicago.  When Jabari isn’t eating, he’s napping or keeping tabs on the females.

Eating, napping, and fucking bitches. That is the official description that the Philadelphia Zoo put out on what the Alpha Male’s life is all about. Basically the king of all kings. No shit they’re gonna defend what they have to the death. I would too if I had that life at stake.