The Phillies are struggling. And the weather here in Philadelphia is damp and dreary. Naturally, things are a bit depressing right now, so I thought I would try to lighten the mood and cheer you guys up. Ready? Okay, cool. Let’s go!
You know how you have that aunt and uncle that you see maybe, like, three or four times a year? You probably go over to their house for the Fourth of July, birthdays, and maybe Thanksgiving or Christmas, depending on the year.
You know how they have a dog? And whenever you go there, you play with the dog, and you are like, “Hey, Rover, go fetch!” And, usually, you play with the dog in order to avoid repeatedly talking about the same awkward bullshit with your extended family members.
For instance, you may say something like:
“Yeah, I know, Uncle Jack. Andy Reid will never win a Super Bowl because he doesn’t know how to use a timeout. You’re totally right. Yup, he’s fat, too. I know. Yeah.”
Or maybe the subject will be about your personal life:
“Yeah, we’re still dating. Uh huh, yeah, I don’t know how she puts up with it me either.”
Then you fake a laugh and add, “Probably because of my monster cock.” And then you all go in for the fist pound and everyone leaves you out to dry. Fuckers.
Wait, that’s not how it is with your family?
Whatever. Back to the point.
You never see this day coming, but you go over to your Uncle Jack’s house for your usual family bullshit and slip off to play with old Rover. And suddenly it hits you–this dog is old as fuck.
He’s throwing up shit and wheezing and walks with a limp. And it’s depressing. And you are like, “Okay, Rover. We’ll chill. I’ll just sit here and pet you.” And that would be just fine, but even that doesn’t even work because the dog has all these weird lumps and shit underneath its coat. And you don’t want to touch the dog anymore because his skin flakes on you. It’s fucking depressing and sad. And despite how much everyone likes the dog, it’s obviously time for the vet to put the little fucker down.
Well, that’s sort of what watching the Phillies has been like this season. Last season, the Phillies slapped opponents in the face with their thunder cocks as they steamrolled to a franchise-record 102 wins.
But this season has been quite a different story. No, this season has been like watching Tom Hanks’ character die of AIDS in the movie “Philadelphia.”
It used to be so much fun back in the day with Shane Victorino, Chase Utley, and Ryan Howard, and the once seemingly invincible Roy Halladay. We loved them all. You’d slip away from whatever bullshit you were dealing with, turn on the television, and let these guys entertain you. And you always knew the day would come when things wouldn’t be the same. But you just never thought it’d happen so soon—it just hits you out of nowhere.
And that’s where the Phillies are at right now. Their day appears to have come and gone. Because just like Rover, these guys are old as fuck. And it’s sad and difficult to watch.