Baseball free agency isn’t quite like football free agency. The gun sounds to start the NFL signing period and all of these big-name motherfuckers are inking mega deals all over the league. The first 48 hours of the free agency period is filled with non-stop action accompanied by ridiculous and premature predictions about how those big name signings are going to lead to a championship (see Eagles, 2011). Still, while the majority of baseball’s big time signings won’t occur for at least another two weeks or so, there are some interesting rumors beginning to surface. And there’s one out there that should have the attention of Phillies fans.

From—a must read site during the offseason:

The Phillies are comfortable paying Josh Hamilton a high annual salary, but they have concerns about committing to the free agent outfielder on a long-term contract,’s Buster Olney reports.

Look, the Phillies are old as shit. And their best players are clearly past their prime minus Cole Hamels. So I came into this offseason all like “we gotta get younger” and “we need to be more cost effective.” You know, shit like that. And I know he would be another left-handed bat in a lineup that desperately needs a right-handed presence. And yeah, the guy is a Michelob Ultra away being found dead in a dumpster somewhere in Kensington.

He’s too old, will cost too much money, is too injury prone, and this city has been sodomized (means fucked in the ass) by big name acquisition busts over the past two years. Nnamdi Asomugha, Jason Babin, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Vince Young, Hunter Pence, and Andrew Bynum (probably). I know. And I know it’d be fucking ridiculously irresponsible to sign the guy, but I see a name like his and think about him roaming the outfield and how he’d trip into 35 home runs here and, well, shit. I’m into it. Plus I’m desperate. I need something to get excited about. I’d rather watch Jason Kelce braid his beard hair around Mat McBriar’s dick than watch the Eagles play right now. The Sixers are going to get rolled in the second round and hockey—fucking sport doesn’t even exist.

So someone like Cody Ross or a cheaper mid-level guy might make sense, but fuck it. 5 years/125 mil–sign him up.