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CHICAGO – A new kind of adult treat is being whipped up at one Chicago bakery. These deep fried donuts are injected with different jelly and liquor flavors. The owners say the donuts are legal because they cook the fillings to eliminate the alcohol while still leaving the strong flavors behind.

Heresy, I say. How can you combine two of God’s greatest creations ever only to eliminate the purposes of one in the process? If I am eating a donut that tastes like Sambuca which is pretty much like the licorice fairy just taking a burning piss into my mouth, I damn well better be getting drunk off my dick. Instead with these abominations of mankind I’d just be on my way to being fat as fuck. Nobody enjoys the taste of liquor by itself without the prospect of getting shitfaced. If they did there would be non-alcoholic liquors like O’Douls being advertised and sold to the mainstream. If you’re gonna do it you better do it right. Fire these fuckers full of the real thing and do what God intended. Time to make the goddamn donuts.

PS – Anybody who spells donuts as doughnuts are certifiably the scum of the Earth.