I despise this movie. I would rather take an icicle to my scrotum than be forced watch this movie again for the 1,400th time. But, like every year, like you whether you want to or not, I’m going to watch A Christmas Story at least 4 times total in about 30 different sittings. It’s always on and I need to do something to escape from the drudgery that is time with the family. It’s like I have no choice. Ted Turner has southern hard-on for it and it’s on all 20 of his channels for 48 hours before Christmas. I only watch it to block out family shit and each time I start watching I get so pissed off at the shittiness I leave only to need a break in 10 minutes to block out the family shit again and sit down to watch TV only to want to punch myself in the dick to ignore the pain. It’s the 9th circle of repetitive hell.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY born in or after the ’80′s can have a soul and still actually enjoy this movie. It’s impossible. I understand why parents and the older generations like it because it actually does bring back some nostalgia of listening to their favorite show on the radio and having their first jerk off to ‘Look‘ magazine. But for younger people who grew up in the age of actual technology, entertainment and became numb to such things as family values and tradition, this movie is just a 2-hour steaming microwaved cup of elf cum. Ralphie may be the most annoying main character in movie history. The epitome of a little bitch. Someone that you want to punt in the face if you actually saw him. But the worst part about having the movie on is everyone knows every single line and part and is mentally retardally forced to say a phrase or recant a scene at will. Anybody who says “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid” should be banned from regular society as we know it.Yes, the Chinese dinner with the Asian slaves going “Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra” instead of “La-la-la-la-la” while singing Deck the Halls was awesomely racist and funny the first 240 times I saw it, but having to hear my drunk uncle explain how funny it is to everyone like they’ve never fucking seen it is stab worthy. The ONLY good quality about the movie is the angry Dad. Just a man pissed off about his life and family and is a job lay-off away from contemplating suicide or at least a serious alcohol problem. Character spans generations.

Oh, and if you want to argue this being an actual good film, the director Bob Clark’s only other famous movies include The Karate Dog, Baby Geniuses 2 and Rhinestone (yes, the movie where Sylvester Stallone seriously sings). Choke on those sacs for a second.

Smitty’s Top 5 Christmas Movies of All-Time

5. Christmas Vacation – Merry Christmas. Shitter’s full.

4. Rocky IV – Why is the fight on Christmas? Because that’s what Rocky was told… but seriously, why was the fight on Christmas?

3. Home Alone – May be number 1 when Macaulay Caulkin overdoses on some dirty smack he got in exchange for blowing The Wet Bandits.

2. A Christmas Carol (George C. Scott version) – Forced to watch it every year while growing up and just recently found respect for it.

1. It’s A Wonderful Life – Those of you who don’t respect Jimmy Stewart can and go straight to hell. That’s what George Bailey would’ve wanted.

[Editor's/maurice's Note: Obviously Christmas Vacation is #1]