My 4-year-old niece is in town from across the country and babysittting Smitty is in full effect. She’s actually a cool kid and well behaved, but still it’s a fucking 4-year-old. She needs to be entertained. And outside of sports, alcohol and porn, I’m usually not the go to guy for fun. So after the 18th straight episode of Dora the Explorer and just as many attempts to get her interested in Breaking Bad, we need to find something else to do. I tried Legos because Legos are the shit. No dice. Next we attempted a scavenger hunt in the backyard. Spent a good 45 min hiding stuff in the brush and trees. Greatest idea and Uncle ever. But one step on the moist grass and all of a sudden she starts screaming bloody murder like a sniper got her from a bell tower. I mean God forbid princess gets her freaking feet wet. Finally we just succumb to Uncle Smitty laying on the floor pretending like he’s dead while little girl kicks him in the face out of pure enjoyment. Fun city.

I ask my mother, who has successfully raised three boys to a lifestyle of no real jobs or health insurance, what the hell can we do. She suggested this new kids movie called The Oogieloves that is taking the theaters by storm with the worst box office opening weekend in movie history. I never heard of it, but what the hell, it was something to do. So yesterday around 3pm instead of our nap time we both decide to take in an afternoon flick. Not only the worst idea in my lifetime, but the worst idea any human had in the history of mankind. It was the first and only time I ever wanted to dropkick my own mother.

First off, kids under the age of 5 should not be allowed in movie theaters. Just not a good situation for anyone, even the kid. Nobody who enters a 2+ hour movie with toddlers is going to say after, “That was pretty fun, we should do that more often.” Never. Why? Because all these little craps do is cry, complain, ask questions, scream and spill shit. That’s it. Same deal as taking a kid on an airplane. People with toddlers don’t even watch the movie, they just pray that they get through the time without an incident.

We walk in and there were 5 people in the theater: A couple with a kid sitting in the middle, a child alone in the front who was guaranteed just dropped off by his lazy/smart as hell parents who couldn’t stand the upcoming pain, and one middle aged dude all the way in the back whose mustache might as well have been a direct hyperlink to the Megan’s Law website.

The movie begins and good gracious of God’s holy shit it’s awful. I’m talking about the worst movie ever created. And it’s not so much the fact that it sucks, it’s the fact that the movie encourages you and the kids to get up out of your seats to sing and dance. Seriously. All I could think about is rounding up anyone and everyone involved with the making of this picture and burning them slowly in a bucket of acid. There are no words to describe how excruciating this experience was not only for me but pretty much everyone besides Sandusky in the back who was rubbing one out in rhythm. The dances and songs in this ‘film’ had to be exact same calisthenics I would imagine being done to train the gay Hitler Youth. Granted, if I was baked off my dick, it would’ve been a fun experience. But I wasn’t. I was in tuned to reality as much as I could be. It was legitimately the only movie in history where people with fully developed brains in attendance would not mind having an Aurora situation on their hands just to shake things up a bit. After about 30 minutes I tell my niece that we’re leaving and she says no. I say we’ll get ice cream she still says no. I then say the magical words of Toys ‘R’ Us and she latches on to me like the adorable leech she is to my brother.

So we leave and buy a $50 Elmo toy at Toys ‘R’ Us that was made in China for 40 cents by 12 kids her age who, unlike her, are potty trained but still have to shit in a hole in the ground. Oh, and we still needed to get ice cream because I said that earlier. I try to explain to her that she chose the toy over a treat but then realized that negotiating with her is like trying to hash out a contract with Scott Boras and I cave. Finally drop her off to my brother who sighs in dismay realizing his 6 hours of freedom have officially come to an end and he wasted it on sleep. Fucking amateur.

The entire experience single handildy pushed back me having kids for at least 30 more years.

PS – I don’t even like Cary Elwes but I feel bad for him as a person. The man’s career has gone from a very prominent role in Glory to Robin Hood: Men in Tights to a bit part in Seinfeld to this disturbing piece of pedophilia.

And God Dammit why the fuck does when he say ‘bubbles to the left, bubbles to the right’ he gay shimmies to the OPPOSITE DIRECTION. That seriously pisses me off more than anything right now. Fuck him, this movie, and society.